Recently

A quick update:

I often find myself smiling for no reason at all. I should be bogged down. I should be stressed. I should be freaking out about graduation, about a job, about health insurance, about the uneasyness that goes along with growing up; but i can’t. I get stressed for an hour tops, then I have this revelation, every time, about what I do now, post-stroke, is extra. Its a bonus. And that feeling is extremely liberating. Life isn’t worth all of the chaos that we add to it. Stress doesn’t extrinsically happen. It happens within ourselves and is controllable. So I don’t stress, or worry, or hate. Those are things I can control. Sure things happen, but the only thing that I can do is control my reaction.

School is going painfully slow. i have heard stories of people who have less than a semester left to graduate when they drop out, and i now understand them. I’m not saying i’m going to, but i feel their pain.  When in all honesty i should  be enjoying these last 4 weeks. It can be a little overwhelming at times, but as i said before, its all extra from here on out, so I’m going to try to enjoy it. Even the last few weeks of school.

My stroke has had obvious profound effects on how I view the world, but I am still forced to deal with the physical effects as well. Everytime that i am walking somewhere, I am motivated. every page of notes that I write, I am motivated. every sentece that I have difficulty speaking, I am motivated. i am flattered when someone has no idea that I am any different; when they are shocked when they hear that I had a stroke, but these things are so obvious to me, that they have become a large part of who i am and what defines me. Not to mention what motivates me… i still hold on to the attitude that I am never going to be done going through the recovery process, that there will always be something to work on. In fact, when i stopped using my ankle brace I took a friends advice and hung it next to the door in my bedroom. Next to it is a notecard with “you are not done” written on it. I have come an incredibly long way, but I still have an incredibly long way to go, and I am actually excited for it all.

As for my dating life, I have tried to date few women recently and in all seriousness, they confuse me more than anything. I’m not saying that i’m giving up on dating, but I’m giving up on trying to date. i’m just gonna let it all happen, thats how it always works out best anyways. It serves me right for even attempting to understand women. haha.

Anyways, there’s a little update.

Smile, it feels good!!!

btho