a dream i had

I quickly glance down to my cards, pocket aces, and that old familiar feeling comes back. I expect to have a headache soon, expect to lose my vision, expect to lose my hearing and end up in the bathroom, throwing up, stumbling around, dancing and flirting with losing my mind. I expect all of those things even though they are not going to happen, even though I am safe. I can’t put the feeling to rest though, and I strain for some kind of relief.

“Raise” he mutters from across the table. His hand shaking ever so slightly and his eyebrows raising almost covert to my scanning eyes.

Here’s my catharsis.

“Call.” I set the required amount in the pot with my right hand, unsteady for different reasons than his.

The flop comes. Ace, Queen, two.

“Check” I do my best ‘lets get this over with’ impression and he bites.

“Six-fifty”

I size him up for a minute. Do I raise now and give my hand away with a check-raise, or do i draw him in with a call? The others at the table stop their conversations and notice the intensity on my face.

“Call”

The next card is a King, I pray to God, Allah, Moses, Whatever that he has Ace-King. No more acting cute.

“I bet the pot. Seventeen.”

He looks me over for a second, his eyes glazed over from the whiskey. The stare he gives me tells me to back down, to fold. The slight shakiness of his hand tells me that he has something good. He makes a quick, almost unnoticeable glance down to the board. I peer at him from under my hat with uneasyness. He looks right at the ace and the king on the board.

“Call”

Something tells me that was his best acting. He has Ace-King. The next card comes.

It’s a King, giving me a bigger full house than his presumable Kings full of Aces. My heart takes off, and I can barely hear the rest of the table speak over the rhythmic thumping.

“Check”

I’m going to let him do all of the work.

“I’m all in” He emphatically states.

“Call” My voice shakes noticeably.

He flips over pocket King’s.

“Nice hand.” My cards go into the muck. I grab a Black and Mild out of my jacket pocket, take one last drink of my whiskey, and leave the friendly game of poker. It’s only fitting. It really hasn’t been my year. 

Walking in the chilled December air i know that’s not true. It has been more so my year than anyone else’s, and with each jab i take I learn a lttle bit more about myself, about my resilience, about my tendencies, about how I’m going to come back for more. I keep walking, although I have no idea where my destination is, and I let out a smile.

I shouldn’t even be walking yet.

Another excerpt from my book

This takes place in the hospital just after having surgery and finding out about the stroke. Hopefully, I get the message across that I wasn’t all there yet. Also, I hope to get the point across that love is exactly what i needed at the time.

 

My eyes blink, snapping pictures of those around me. There’s a doctor, I think, at the foot of my bed. Snap. Lindsay is curled up right next to me, gently touching my leg. Snap. My mother has that worried mother look in her eyes and it makes me remember just how strong she is. Snap. My dad is hunched over the foot of my bed near the doctors, a determined expression radiates from his eyes. The doctor speaks:

“Brett. You had a stroke after we performed surgery to remove your aneurysm.”

I digest the words, dissecting them and interpreting them at once is too difficult.

He’s talking to me. Something went wrong. Stroke, what is the word stroke? When was there a performance? I don’t remember that. I know I had surgery. And the last part of the sentence boggles my mind. They removed part of my brain, my aneurysm. Part of me is missing. An instant sadness wells up from inside, permeating itself throughout my body. I look back at the doctor.

“I… I don’t… get.”

That’s not at all what I was trying to say.

Lindsay leans over closer towards me, rubbing life back into my cold body. She whispers the sentence back into my ear with 500x the amount of love that the doctor had. Each word is treated carefully, leaving her lips with passion and sincerity and the words flow gracefully and elegantly into my ear and make sense. I had a stroke. The word ‘stroke’ makes sense now. The folder for the word ‘stroke’ is tucked away, deep inside my brain, under blood and inflamed tissue, and dying neurons and cells. The word stroke comes back to me. My psychology classes come back to me and I can remember videos of the disabled elderly with speech problems and motor problems and memory problems. That’s me. I understand. But it’s a cold understanding. It’s the kind of understanding that sends shivers down your spine and creates a giant lump in the pit of your stomach. The kind of understanding you go through when a relative dies. The kind of understanding that is necessary for growth. The kind of understanding that you are simultaneously hurt by and proud to have conquered.

Lindsay leans over again and whispers something else in my ear:

“You…” She’s understanding too. “You lost motor function” She takes another second. “You lost function to the right side of your body Brett. But it’s going to be Ok. You have lots of love and positive energy and family and friends and the most amazing doctors and…”

She gets up and leaves the room. This is really hard on her. The doctors continue on with their words that I just can’t understand. They aren’t spoken with enough love.

optimistically pessimistic

I’ve awoken,

If only I ever slept.

But sleep is my get away.

Get away. Make sure far is where you stay.

Cuz today, I feel like i’m driving down a one way with no lights on.

A ticking time bomb,

And later on, once we’ve been set off,

And we both explode,

I’ll use hypothetical lights to see down hypothetical roads.

But lets be realistic, I’m sadistic,

A makeshift mystic,

optimistically pessimistic,

Obviously surrealistic.

Believe me, its easier SAD than done,

I’m the only concerned person under the sun,

Concerned with peace, love, and guns,

Believe in science, truth, and fun.

But am i the only one?

i’m all zen,

You’re a scribbled thought from my pen.

So you be a smudge

I’ll be a sage,

I’ll lose my grudge

the same time i lose the rage.

I question sincerity,

Discovering true insanity

instantaneously mistaking why your mad at me,

perniciously permeate me politely,

Its likely, that you never even liked me,

And it might be, that i take this too lightly, 

So write ME,

Let me dribble from your pen

I’ll be more than ink,

And maybe you can be zen

Argentine and Chilean Wine

So I got an offer the other night at Thanksgiving that I don’t know if I can pass up:

Live at a vineyard, probably in Chile, and harvest grapes. At first, the guy who told me, a wine rep who handles South American wines, seemed like he wasn’t really sure if he would be able to pull the strings. Once we got to talk a bit more about it though, and he realized that all I wanted was a place to stay, maybe money for food, and I didn’t really mind grunt work, he was all about it.

Now, I’ve done lots of traveling. I’ve been to Africa and all over Europe, but i’ve never lived in another country on my own. Naturally, that brings some questions to mind. Can I do it? Physically, will I be ok in another country (post-stroke)? Is my Spanish good enough? How lonely will I get?

But after the questions race through my mind i come to the realization that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I have to go. It becomes less of a choice and more of a life changing event.

I’m already a wino, but imagine all that I would learn, all that i would see, all that i would experience, etc. Think of the Malbecs, the Tempranillos, the Carmeneres. With some authentic South American food. MMMMM! I have to stop before i open a bottle and make some grub!

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? White, sandy beaches somewhere? The swiss Alps? Maybe somewhere in S.E. Asia? Leave me a respponse and let me know!

Smile, it feels good!

Another Update

I feel that it has been a while since I last wrote about what my life has entailed…so here’s another update to let you all know whats goin on in the world of brett.

School is school. That being said, I really love half of my classes. My physio psych class is awesome, even with a boring, ben stein, type teacher. (Buehler, Buehler). In fact, I get to give a presentation on recovery from brain injury/ stroke next week and I’m extremely nervous for it. I am a very open guy, but how open should I be? I’m going to tell them the story of what happened, but how much detail? Not to mention that I am horrible speaking in front of audiences, allbeit my peers. My other classes are decent. I absolutely hate measurements and testing, and honestly, does that class sound like it would interest any of you? Psychological measurements and Testing? Blah.

Halloween is here! I love halloween. I love any excuse to act like a little kid and be crazy really. Well, I guess my costume isn’t so kiddish, but nevertheless. This year I am going as ‘captain condom’ and am dreassing up with condoms making up my accessories! To make myself feel less guilty about being such a ridiculous superhero, I decided to do a civil service while I am at the bars and pass out condoms! So if you find yourself in a bind on halloween, Show her your love, wear a glove. I’ll swoop in and drop one off if youre currently ‘out of stock’ or you try one of those cheezy lines. It might feel better, but it wont when theres a kid. Anyways, off that tangent. Ha!

As far as the affects of my stroke go, they’re still there, but I’m at a point now where I am used to them. I’m not saying that I’m not working to get rid of them, but they don’t bother me like they used to. I used to be extremely self-conscious about certain things like my limp, but now, after a year or so of being self conscious, fuck it. I am me, and my stroke is part of me and my history, so why try to deny any of it? I still have problems with speech and memory, but they aren’t anything that a little mindfulness can’t help with. I am fortunate to even be sitting at the computer and typing this. That feeling has yet to fade, and i hope it never does. Life is too short to be caught up in things! Take a deep breath, wherever you are. Close your eyes and count to ten. Relax! We are all fortunate to be sitting here. It’s not like I knew I was going to have a stroke or an anneurysm before I had one. Its an incredibly real possibility that life will come find you and make you notice how important these moments are, don’t wait for it.

I’ve had a great past couple of days. Great past couple of months really.

I’m done with OT and PT, I still check in like once every other month or so just to make sure that I’m still progressing and to give me new goals, but other than that, I’m done. Babs, Maria, Amy, Carol, and Ruth all deserve a ton of credit here. I wouldn’t be where I am, doing what I’m doing, without them. My graditude is uncomparable, i only hope that they know that.

 

Well, time to go to the lab for my Psycholgical measurement and testing class. Awesome. Enjoy your halloween!

Smile, ie feels good!

Brett

manifesto II

Waste away. Take out the trash or stay? Believe in death or believe in a better day? Believe in belief, be-a-leaf, Fall and crunch. Crackle, crinkle, craft a new composed life; A decomposing night decomposing your rights. It’s all disappearing. Until you walk out of the forest and into the clearing, life is nearing. The past is always so painful and the future is too far, so old generals dream of lost buddies and scars, but ten year olds dream of Yankees and movie stars. They both dream of wars. PTSD is not a presidential virtue, but rather a call for help. Bipolar disorder is her downfall, mine is myself, back-bent until I bend in half, a permanent body bridge, one half man walking the edge.  And half a man loves half as hard, playing the nice-guy-card, raise half the pot when you hit your other half of a hand, so the clones call with their heads in the sand. Land doesn’t seem too far from here so I’ll keep swimming, as long as I keep my head above the water its considered winning. Tread on me, tread the entire sea, dread complying and finally drown in complacency. Death can’t compete with me. Death waits impatiently. Death is life inadvertently. Sticks break beneath my toes, sticks break my bones and words aren’t even worthy, I’m a little wordy, but nevertheless I’m a little nerdy. A newcomer nuisance neatly nearing the nation. A masochistic melancholy menace enjoying my meditation. A pincushion, preemptively waiting your strike, a solo artist, I do what I like. Really. I don’t just say it. I AM the part, you just play it. If you’re uncomfortable with yourself, you’re in dire need of help, redefine love and health. Flourish for YOU first, give birth to that inner child, don’t let life be mild, be bold and spicy, because life gets dicey. When it does, rise above, and strive off of love.

Politics

Is this really the first time i have talked about the presidential elections on here?

I guess i haven’t been writing in my blog enough, because if u don’t know that I love politics, you don’t know me. First off, I am extremely liberal. Sorry to step on your toes, or conservative cowboy boots, but i believe in policies that make everyone happy. I guess i really don’t understand the ideologies of John mcCain and Sarah Palin. We’ve already been at war for 6 or so years, and no matter what fox news tells you, our troops are still dying. we’re still making enemies faster than we can kill them (As if killing them is the solution), we are still diverting our attention away from the actual terrorists, and we aren’t focusing much needed resources that could be used here in America.

The truth is that we have dug ourselves such a large econmic hole in the past 8-10 years I don’t know if the next president can really fix things. But, he can make them worse. McCain wants to keep Bush’s tax cuts and make them permanent. Really? Is that what this country needs? We have tried trickle down economics before, and it obviously doesn’t stimulate spending. If the rich keep buying yachts from the rich people and big companies, how does that trickle down at all? I am a middle class American. Actually, What I make actually puts me right at the poverty line, but i do go to school, and I can still go steal food from my parents. Anyways, if the middle class is stimulated, and even the lower class, people who actually spend money at small businesses and local businesses, then we’re getting somewhere. The money keeps moving. The average joe who just took a huge hit in the stock market can start saving and paying off loans and creditors. I’m no economist, but this is common sense is it not? You give tax breaks to the people who actually need them, and you watch everyone thrive. Money will still be spent at big businesses, so they thrive as well. The whole economy wins.

Another thing that this country needs is some kind of social change. There is unrest amoong many in the united states because of injustice that has been going on for years. Our generations civil rights movement is here. Gay rights, GLBT’s rights excuse me, are the hidden uproar in this years elections. Shame on the democrats for not taking a more pro-active stance on this issue. Granted, more will happen if Obama gets elected than if McCain gets elected, but i’m sick of Democrats acting like this is a subject that they don’t want to talk about. The same goes for gun control, and the death penalty. These kinds of social issues are the ones that make me second guess voting. But then i realize that it is a slow, gradual change and any sort of change is good at this point.

Today I am all worked up about politics, as i get every two years at this time if year, because i am volunteering to get people registered to vote. I don’t want to hear any of you pessimists tell me about how voting doesn’t make a difference, because less than half the country votes and if everyone did, who knows where our country would be. So I don’t want to hear any complaining, no matter the outcome, from someone who doesn’t vote. even if you don’t think that the presidential race will really be altered by your tiny little voice, there are very important local elections happening this year, and you can change that.

well, I gotta go help spread the word.

Vote, (and smile), it feels good!

btho

Try this meditation!

Continuing with the topic of anger, i decided that I couldn’t just mention my meditations and that they have been helping, I have to show you my meditations so that you can see for yourself.

 

Start off by doing some mindful breathing. Notice the breath you take. As you breathe in, say to yourself “1″. Out, Say “two”. Those numbers are to be the only thing that is important. The fact that you are consciously breathing and have control over yourself and your actions should calm you. DO NOT THINK ABOUT YOUR DAY. Don’t let your mind slip. Continue this practice until you reach ten. Then, you start over at one. If you find that you are thinking about your day, lose track of what number you are on, thinking about work or what you have to do tomorrow, start over. This takes patience and effort on your part. I usually go until i can count one thru ten five times without letting my mind slip at all. If I am still not relaxed, I go for longer, but five (fifty breaths) is my minimum.

I forgot to mention posture. And, depending on the individual, this should vary. If you want, look up online the traditional way of doing this. I generally focus on sitting up straight, cross-legged (I am still not flexible to do the full lotus position) or in the half lotus. My arms are generally in front of me, with either my hands clasped or my palms facing upward with my wrists on my knees. A “prayer” postion is also rather relaxing. an important note here is that it is not necessarily important as to how you are positioned, but rather that you retain mindfulness in how your posture is.

Now for the depth of the meditation. There are many meditations that you can choose from; this is a particular anger meditation that calms me very quickly and gives special insight. Once your mind is cleared, and it will be from mindfullly breathing, Start off by picturing an empty room. Then, picture the object of your anger in the room, only they do not look like how they look today. They are younger, a child perhaps. Maybe you are angry with your parents. try picturing your father as a little boy. Then picture your father being angry at his father. His father has acted in a way that is similar to your situation with your father. He vows to never be like his father, but the seed of anger has already grown and manifested itself. Now he grows his whole life with the seed of anger and resentment towrds his father. it is too late to never be like him, he has become him. It is not his fault though. it is not even his fathers fault. It has risen from years of not recognizing and cherishing the anger they hold. it is your turn now. They have passed down the seed to you and you have already begun to perpetuate the cycle. Stop. It is not their fault, so you must not feel any anger towards them. You realize the anger that is inside you, so now you have the capacity of mindfulness. Now you can realize whenever that anger has arisen. So what do you do with the anger that is inside you? do you bury it? Do you ignore it? No. You hold on to it. Be excited that you can realize anger whenever it comes about. Not too many can do that. The more you are compassionate with your anger, the more you smile everytime that it arises, the more it fades. It never completely goes away, you will always need the reminder of what anger is, but now you can love your anger. Now picture the person who has angered you in the past in a typical, anger driven situation. They are furious. You are fet up and angry at them as well, but you notice it. Love your anger and eventually you see that you must help them. Picture yourself taking control of the situation, leading a conversation where you can discuss why you are mad. You are concerned for them. There is no amount of anger that is unresolvable. Some may take more work, but it is always possible, always worth it. Now picture the two of you with all of your anger resolved. Life is better.

Usually, I am extremely relaxed at this point. i feel like I have made progress and i am thinking positive thoughts instead of negative ones. Try it. i know that many of you are christian, or atheists, but this is a practice, not a dharma. tell me what you think, maybe it helped, maybe its not for you.

Smile, it feels good!

Btho

Love your Anger

I think I’m a pro on this subject…

i don’t want to blame it entirely on my stroke and outside forces, because it ultimately was me. But that was the most intense i have ever felt my emotions, and its completely indescribable. Luckily, my sister, bre, came up with the idea of a blog, and i got to sit down in front of the computer and type my poetry, story, and just thoughts, one handed into my computer. And just a few posts in, you all got to watch me change. You got to physically sit there and watch my emotions get the best of me. I burned some bridges that i wish i hadn’t. I’m not saying other people were perfect, but i can’t control other people. The fact of the matter is this: I didn’t know how to love my anger. I’ll say it again. I didn’t know how to love my anger.

Thich Nhat Hanh has described a way to harness your anger, and instead of feeling resentment, remorse, sadness, more anger, you should actually feel love towards your anger. Just know this: when we feel anger, we act out. We call someone a name, act violently, act in a self degrading/ self destructive manner, or bottle it up. all that does is cause more anger. We can’t expect someone to not get angry when we are in fact angy at them. What hipocrisy! But if you take all of your anger, recognize it, and understand that the other person is angry and doesn’t know what to do with his/her anger, you begin to change. You don’t want to cause them harm anymore, you want to help them take away their pain. So you love your anger, and eventually it grows into compassion.

I know i always use this example, but thats because it is always a relevant topic. Lindsay hates my guts now, as is understood. I said some things, as did she, when we were going through our break-up, that I wish I hadn’t. Such is life. and we would bicker (sp?) back and forth and call each other names and hurt and hurt and hurt one another. What good is that? I knew I was angry. That probably wasn’t going to change anytime soon. But since i’ve been working on my book and understanding that there were lots of special contributions to my life that Lindsay had made, the fire cooled a little. Now it was just some burning embers. But lately i have done a lot of meditation on anger, and slowly realized that she has the same attitude towards me. She doesn’t like being angry at me. The soul is unable to rest in a state of anger, everything is painful. So I nurtured my anger. I took care of it. everytime that it arose, I recognized it was there and I cherished it. And i am proud to say that i am no longer “ok” with Lindsay, or “acquaintaces” with her. I am concerned for her well being. I know she is angry. It shows everytime that i talk to her. and no, i don’t want to get back together with her, i am concerned in a plutonic way. If she wants my help to alleviate her anger than i am here. If she wants to continue it all, that is her choice. It is just a very awesome feeling to not be wrapped up in the anger anymore. To completely untie a very, very, very messy knot so to speak.

So try it. Tell me what yu think. It takes tons of patience, effort, and understanding, but its worth it trust me. And leave a response! Tell me about a time when u were angry.

Oh, and smile, it feels good!

Today is…

Celebrate Life!

Too often in this world we mundely go about our lives, go through the motions, and don’t rejoice about the little things. So today, as I posted in my last blog, is a chance to change all of that. Stop doing what you do everyday. Don’t just go home, turn on the boob-tube, crack open your favorite cheap domestic (which aren’t even domestic beers anymore… another post), and turn off your mind. Go out with friends, cook dinner by yourself, read a book you always wanted, do anything to get out of the norm. And I don’t wan’t you to think that I never get caught up in the greyness of life, I do, but you have to make an effort to stop all that nonsense. Its up to you to make life enjoyable, not some outside force. Celebrate the fact that you are here and it is now, and the only important feeling is that in the present moment, the controllable one.

Please notice how important and precious life is today, because it won’t always be there.

Smile! It feels good!

Btho